


I Was Iron Man

by Flimflamflummox



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Extreme Politeness, Gen, Pepper Potts at her best, Pepper is a strong independent woman who happens to splutter a lot, The Justice System has failed, Tony Stark at his worst, Tony is not happy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-24
Updated: 2015-02-12
Packaged: 2018-01-20 16:54:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1518083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flimflamflummox/pseuds/Flimflamflummox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><em>Steve breathed a sigh of relief when the metal red-and-gold suit streaked into view. He could freely admit he needed all the help he could get with this Loki character. Having read his file, Steve recognized Tony Stark's Iron Man. He jumped as a loud song blasted through S.H.I.E.L.D.'s speakers and the armor gracefully touched down on the ground. </em><br/> <br/><em>"I am so sorry about that," a voice filtered through the suit's speakers, "That was so rude. It's your own, private channel and it sends the entirely wrong kind of message to just hack into it like that. I promise it won't happen again!" </em><br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**The jury has reached a decision. The defendant claims that the Iron Man armor is the intellectual property of Stark Industries. As such, the Constitutional right to property states that the government cannot confiscate it. We can, however, regulate its safe use. As CEO of Stark Industries, Virginia Potts is the sole owner of the Iron Man armor. She may use it at her discretion so long as she uses it only for the betterment of our nation. No other individuals have a right to the armor. If anyone besides Virginia Potts attempts to use the Iron Man armor, he or she shall be punished to the full extent of the law. Court adjourned.**

Tony had been re-watching the Bond films in his spare time, nursing a vodka tonic and a newfound appreciation for Q. The man did tireless hours of work and then just gave up his masterpieces. These gadgets inevitably saved James Bond's ass every time, effectively allowing the man to live to hog all the glory. What a douche. 

He had to take out all his hate on somebody. Pepper was his lifesaver, his angel, and his James Bond. But she would never let Tony fade into the background, because she knew that if he did, it would be the death of him. Pepper Potts. His hero. Now, everyone's hero.

_"This sucks, Tony, this totally sucks! We're gonna fight it! I swear we are!"_

_"Pep, I don't blame you-"_

_"You will, though! You know if you let me run around wearing your LIFE'S WORK like some sort of groupie or...or stalker or something, playing superhero, you'll resent me! And who could blame you!"_

_"You listen to me, Pepper Ann Potts!"_

_"My middle name isn't Ann..."_

_"I know, it just seemed like a good fit and I'm trying to be all serious and use your full name, except I'm not gonna call you Virginia cuz, like, my mind simply can't take that name seriously-"_

_"Pervert!"_

_"Pepper! I'm trying to be responsible here! My personal feelings aside, the world needs heroes no matter who's actually doing the saving. So, for now, until we figure out how to fix this idiocy, you're Iron Man. Say it. Say 'I am Iron Man.'"_

_"Tony, I'm a woman."_

_"Say it Potts!"_

_"Okay. Okay. I am Iron Man."_

"Tony?" the here-and-now Pepper asked sadly, "You gonna stay in there all day?"

"I like it in here. It's familiar. Comforting." he insisted.

"You know I was talking about your head, right?" she joked.

"Amusing. The inside of my head is a lovely, place full of rainbows, cupcakes, and weapons schematics." Tony retorted absently.

"Bermuda is lovely," Pepper corrected, "The inside of your head is a barren, post-apocalyptic wasteland of terror and chaos."

Tony felt his morose mood slip away a bit as he allowed himself to genuinely laugh.

"Come on," she declared, "let's go watch Harry Potter and try to explain everything with science!"

Tony perked up. "Difficult, not impossible. The levitation spell could easily be mimicked using mag-lev, and I've actually been working on a few theories regarding lycanthropy-"

"I hate to interrupt, but we have a situation is Stuttgart," JARVIS announced, his voice laced with regret for ruining one of Tony's tenuous good moods.

"Stuttgart. Okay, at max speed, that's a three minute flight, so if I take care of it quickly, I can be back in time for dinner and-" 

"Pep, I'm fine. Go." Tony insisted quietly.

"You're gonna monitor me, right?" she asked as she ran for the suit assembly platform.

"You don't need me to monitor you, you can operate it by yourself now. You're not going to screw up and you're not going to encounter any problems JARV can't talk you through. You're just trying to make me feel useful." Tony groused. 

"Tony Stark, you are the most useful person I've ever met. I love you." Pepper replied before taking off.

"Love you too!" he called after her. Pepper always told him she loved him before leaving on a mission. He used to think it was to make him feel better, but now he realized: she said it just in case wherever she was going, she never made it back. But she would. Pepper was a natural hero, and as Iron (wo)Man, she was thriving. 

And Tony? 

Tony was fine.

Tony drank an entire bottle of tequila and smashed it against the bar once it was empty and ordered a bot to clean up the broken glass while he took a nap.

And he was fine.


	2. Chapter 2

"So, what exactly am I going to find in Stuttgart, JARVIS?" Pepper asked as she streaked through the sky. 

"Not 'what', Mrs. Potts. 'Who'." JARVIS explained. "It appears that there is some sort of attack being perpetrated by an Asgardian."

"Asgard?" Pepper asked. "I've heard of Asgard. That guy who was all over the news--Thor? Is it him?"

"Actually, it's his brother, Loki, who according to Norse mythology, is the god of mischief and lies." JARVIS supplied.

"Mischief? That doesn't sound so scary. I guess he's different in real life?" Pepper  questioned as she reached maximum velocity.

"I have insufficient data at this time, ma'am." 

"I am sooooo over aliens." Pepper griped.

"He'salsoasorcerer."  JARVIS blurted.

"What?!" Pepper yelled.

"You heard me, ma'am." JARVIS replied.

"Are you glitching or something?" she pressed.

"No ma'am, it's just in my programming to deliver bad news as quickly as possible, so Mr. Stark can completely ignore danger and my advice on how to deal with it, do something incredibly stupid, and claim he didn't hear me. This protocol also applies to any messages from S.H.I.E.L.D."

"Yes, well, can you remind me when I get home to talk with the most idiotic genius ever about removing that protocol? Because I'd really like to be able to hear your advice and messages from S.H.I.E.L.D." Pepper requested.

"Yes ma'am. While we're speaking of protocols, I feel I should inform you that Mr. Stark has honored your request that he remove the Ozzie protocol."

"Good," Pepper breathed, "That was really embarrassing."

"Yes, now instead of highjacking all nearby speakers to play 'Back in Black' as you fly by, I've been directed to hijack S.H.I.E.L.D. broadcasts only, and the song is now 'Shoot to Thrill'." JARVIS sounded equal parts amused and remorseful.

"Oh...dammit." Pepper groaned.

******

Steve breathed a sigh of relief when the metal red-and-gold suit streaked into view. He could freely admit he needed all the help he could get with this Loki character. Having read his file, Steve recognized Tony Stark's Iron Man. He jumped as a loud song blasted through S.H.I.E.L.D.'s speakers and the armor gracefully touched down on the ground.   
   
"I am so sorry about that," a voice filtered through the suit's speakers, "That was so rude. It's your own, private channel and it sends the entirely wrong kind of message to just hack into it like that. I promise it won't happen again!" 

"Umm...Tony Stark?" he asked.

The voice that had come from the helicopter...type...thing spoke again. "It's fine, Pepper, I know it wasn't you."

Steve raised his hand like a confused schoolboy. "Sorry to butt in, but what's going on?"


	3. Chapter 3

"So...are you Tony's girlfriend?" Steve inquired awkwardly.

Loki chuckled from the seat where he was strapped in. "Smooth, Captain! What's next, are you going to ask if she comes here often?" 

Steve blushed. "That's not how I meant-"

"I know," Pepper assured him. "Yeah, I'm his girlfriend, but that's not why he made me CEO." 

Steve blushed harder. "I wasn't trying to imply-" 

"I didn't think you were!" 

"I'm sure you're an excellent CEO." 

"Well, I'm okay..." 

"Hey! Awkward Twins! Eyes on the prize." Natasha called from the pilot's seat. 

"I'm not going _anywhere,_ " Loki assured her. "This is priceless!"

Thunder boomed loudly, causing Loki to flinch. 

"What's the matter? Scared of a little lightning?" Steve mocked.

"I'm not overly fond of what follows."

Before the Asgardian could clarify, a bolt of lightning struck the jet and the ramp lowered enough for a blond man to fly in, grab Loki, and fly out again.

"Was that _Thor? _" Pepper asked warily.__

__"Thor? Is he a friendly?" Steve inquired hopefully._ _

__"I hope so, cuz we need Loki to lead us to the Tesseract."_ _

__"We need a plan of attack!" Steve said in his Captain America voice._ _

__"Okay, what are you thinking?" agreed Pepper._ _

__"Um..."_ _

__"Tick tock, guys!" yelled Natasha._ _

__"Fine. Why don't we just talk to him?" Pepper sighed. She was out before Steve could object. "JARVIS, any sign of Loki?"_ _

__"Highlighting life signs on the HUD," he announced crisply._ _

__"You're a peach," Pepper informed him as she piloted toward the cliff that held Thor and Loki._ _

__"I know."_ _

__As she approached, it became clear that Thor was saying something. She tried to time her descent in order to let Thor finish, but she was flying too quickly, and her landing cut off Thor mid sentence._ _

__He looked at her in agitation and she put up her hands placatingly. "Um, hey, I'm really sorry to interrupt, but do you think I could talk to you for a second?"_ _

__Thor's only response was a throw of his hammer, which Pepper narrowly dodged. "Look, if we can't talk about this civilly-" she began._ _

__"Duck!" JARVIS called._ _

__Pepper complied just in time to see the hammer fly back over her head and into his hand._ _

__"Well that was just rude!" she announced, and tackled him off the edge of the cliff._ _

They crashed to the ground and sprang apart.

"Do not touch me again," Thor warned.

"Okay, don't act all offended, you threw a _hammer _at me!"__

__"You have no idea what you're dealing with," he intoned gravely._ _

__"Right now all I'm dealing with is rudeness! You can zip it, Thor Odinson, because you're a guest on this planet and you're not being very gracious!" Pepper snapped._ _

__Thor opened his mouth, then closed it again. Finally, he said, "This is beyond you, metal man. Loki will face Asgardian justice."_ _

__"Look, we just need the Tesseract, then he's all yours."_ _

__Thor considered this, then threw the hammer again, knocking Pepper back into a tree._ _

__"There's only one language you boys speak, isn't there?" Pepper hissed as she flew and tackled Thor._ _

__The thunder god responded with a swing of the hammer, which Pepper easily parried. "I'm beginning to think this guy's a bit of a one-trick pony," she muttered to JARVIS._ _

__"I wouldn't be so-" the rest of the AI's response was lost in the crackle of electricity._ _

__"Did he just hit me with a _lightning bolt?! _"___ _

____"Power at 400% capacity," JARVIS replied._ _ _ _

____Pepper considered this, then shot a searing bolt of energy which knocked Thor to his knees. "That...was satisfying," she declared breathlessly._ _ _ _

____"Ma'am?" JARVIS warned._ _ _ _

____"What? Oh, great." She grimaced at the charging Thor and flew to meet him in a violent embrace. They continued to fly up and up and up, smashing into rock formations; carving a record of their battle into the mountain._ _ _ _

____They were too evenly matched, and Pepper had an idea which made her roll her eyes. She would _so _be getting grief from Tony if he found out about this.___ _ _ _

______She tangled a gauntlet into his long blond hair and pulled, hard. Thor appeared shocked at this type of warfare. "What's the matter?" Pepper huffed. "Never been in a catfight before?"_ _ _ _ _ _

______He roared unintelligibly and they plummeted back to the ground, creating another giant crater. Pepper groaned when Thor began to stand up again._ _ _ _ _ _

______"Hey!" called the Captain, clocking Thor with his shield. "That's enough!"_ _ _ _ _ _

______"I've come here to put an end to Loki's schemes!" He insisted._ _ _ _ _ _

______"Then prove it," Cap ordered. "Put the hammer down."_ _ _ _ _ _

______Thor whipped around and sent Pepper flying with a swing from his hammer._ _ _ _ _ _

______"Youreallyshouldhavesaidpleeeeeeeeease!" Pepper hollered as she crashed through the foliage._ _ _ _ _ _

______She winced as the sound of a giant impact reverberated around her. By the time she got back to Thor and Cap, they were staring at each other warily across a scorched patch of ground._ _ _ _ _ _

______"So, Pepper asked bitterly, "Whose is bigger?"_ _ _ _ _ _

______"Whose what?" Steve queried at the same time as Thor murmured, "I do not understand."_ _ _ _ _ _

______"Never mind," Pepper frowned._ _ _ _ _ _

______Cap nodded. "Are we done here?"_ _ _ _ _ _


End file.
